Busy-ness does not equal productivity

Even though I have unpacked my books and put them on the shelves and hung up most of my clothes in the closet (I need more hangers…seriously when did I get so many clothes?) and wired my desk my room somehow looks MESSIER than when I started. It’s probably the empty boxes/millions of shopping bags everywhere.  Also used tissues. I put them in the garbage, Loki fishes them out and bats them around and carries them in his mouth, growling like he is some sort of mighty hunter. Hint: he’s not.

I did finally today manage to organize the kitchen cupboards to my somewhat liking. Well, at least the system makes sense to ME. So that’s one thing down! It’s still not arranged to my total satisfaction, but it will be.

For some reason, even more than my previous residences, I want this apartment to be organized just right. I have this strange feeling that if I get everything organized just so somehow my life will be magically in control as well. I know that an organized environment DOES help me feel better but the solution is probably not buying more organizer things. I’ve been spending A LOT of money over the past six weeks, mostly on apartment or cat stuff but also on things like my shopping spree in Canada. That one was partly justified because a) my grandmother gave me part of my inheritance from my grandfather and some additional money (the whole money thing just leaves me feeling really weird. I would rather have my grandfather than this money, but at the same time the money is super helpful for grad school but family just makes me feel weird) b) all my ‘professional’ clothes (really just black pants) are from the Worthington collection from JC Penney. There are reasonably priced and come in tall sizes, but they aren’t exactly the most flattering. And only come in black. I bought a bunch of pants from Reitman’s tall collection and two blouses that were actually designed for tall people so their proportions actually fit without being too short in the torso/arms. I also bought three (3!) dresses. Good thing I wore the summery-ist of them all this past weekend because the weather has turned wet, rainy, and cold. Perfect for sleeping. And for not shaving my legs. I hate shaving my legs. Even using expensive razors and the fancy lotion-y shaving cream I get razor burn and always manage to nick myself. Most annoying.

Wow I went from wanting to control my environment as a stand-in for my life to razor burn in one paragraph. Blogs are dangerous things. I tend to word-vomit out anything on my mind.

My point was originally that  I tend to spend a lot of money (i.e. not care about spending money) when I’m depressed, and while I am certainly not the lowest of the lows or particularly stressed at this point in time, I do feel like I’m in a depressive episode. Colloquially I believe it would be referred to as a “funk,” and if I don’t monitor my moods and feelings and thoughts closely it can turn bad. Depression is something I live with every day, but about every year or so I get worse. I’ll start taking my secondary meds in the morning and maybe see about getting a therapist on campus or in Ann Arbor (does U of M even have a counseling center?).

This week I started grad school! My first class was Tuesday. I a) forgot to bring a notebook for note taking b) lost the sip of paper that had the class room number on it and c) didn’t follow the instructions to set up my netbook on the U of M wireless network so was pretty hopeless there for a while. I ducked into CVS for a notebook and a snack, managed to find my orientation guide that had instructions for connecting to the wireless, and using the power of the internet, found my correct class without being late! Go me! The class was three hours long and was basically just an intro, but the professor seems really nice (I have him for another class on Friday).

Part of the class was going around and introducing ourselves and stating why we were interested in archives and what our experience was. As I listened to people I felt really…jealous? Defensive? A lot of the people have similar interests to mine but instead of thinking “oh great, we can bond and be friends or something!” I was thinking “oh great they have more experience than me they are competition for museum jobs on campus and out in the real world somehow they make me less special.” Which is a completely wrong way to feel and I need to Adjust My Attitude. I think part of it may be that I’ve spent a large chunk of my life playing down my accomplishments (“yes I got a 4.0 in highschool but still only graduated eleventh” “yeah I got a scholarship but it was for tuition only not a free ride”) I always thought it sounded like I’m bragging, and in some contexts in can be (though I try desperately hard to avoid that). But. I am accomplished. I made a remark to one of my profs this spring that “I heard that funding is super hard to come by so I’m extremely lucky I got a scholarship” and she looked at me seriously and said “no, it wasn’t luck. You deserve it. Believe me, I’ve looked at a lot of grad apps.” Yes I do. However I guess the flipside now is that while I’m  acknowledging that yeah I am pretty awesome in some ways OTHER people being awesome does not diminish my awesomisity.  Things to work on!

Speaking of work, after taking days off last week for orientation I resumed my job today. I arrived promptly at 8 (which means I caught the 7:30 bus…blech mornings) only to discover that Supervisor 2 couldn’t train me because there was nothing on which I could train. Second time in a row that this has happened! So I spent two hours in the pathetic little computer area of the Graduate Library entering my schedule and half of my syllabus into google calendars to hopefully help me to become more organized. My shift that I did work was pretty good because I was constantly doing something. I like my job whilst I’m doing it and keeping busy (it’s like a scavenger hunt, and today I helped two people find books! Because my job is finding books now) but when I’m not doing it (like when I complete my assigned task and there is nothing to do, or when I go home) I don’t like it at all. It doesn’t pay the greatest (skimming above minimum wage) but honestly the work isn’t worth paying higher.  I applied for another job through the campus job thingy that is more relevant to my interests and experience (and higher paying) but it’s unlikely I’ll get it because of timing and the like. I don’t know. This job is nice because of the absolutely no stress involved and it involves walking (however slowly) and squatting and climbing and stuff.

This last paragraph can be summed up as: my job requires little skill or thought but is nice when I’m actually doing something. When I’m not doing something I start fretting that I’m wasting my time/talents and should be doing something more career oriented. But since my current funk involves me not caring too much about money I’m altogether meh. Plus I still have three classes this wee for which I don’t know the workload to.

Wow I’ve rambled quite a lot. I started this thing at nine-ish and it’s twenty to eleven right now. I have to get up early tomorrow so I best kick Loki off my feet and shower and get me to bed. I just hope it’s not raining again tomorrow as while I have an umbrella, I accidentally left my wonderful raincoat in my dad’s van. Who knows when I’ll get it back.
Night!