No Wrong Way to [Look Like, Act Like, Feel Like] Be a Girl

The title of my post basically sums up my attitude towards womanhood/girlhood in general. While there are things that are traditionally perceived as "feminine" and "girly" not all women act/look that way. I am a 5'11" big person with horrible skin that I don't put makeup on, hair that is rarely down because I honestly don't know how to  blow dry it, and my daily uniform is basically pants (capris in summer) and a solid colored shirt (no ornamentation, no patterns). I like power tools and love comic books. These are not necessarily traditionally "feminine" traits but because I feel myself to be a woman, I am one and I don't think less of me--or anyone else who exhibits non-"feminine" traits because of it. Nor do I think that women who are traditionally "girly" are somehow bad either. Like I said, there is no wrong way to be a girl.

This is...not the post I had planned. But it is helpful in getting my thoughts straightened out re: gender norms, expression of gender, etc. I fully believe that there is no wrong way to be a girl (someone get me that on a t-shirt) but need some work on unpacking what exactly I mean by that.

Basically what I wanted to say is this: today I bought a dress. It's navy and knit and ends just above my knee, and I liked it enough on the rack to try it on and liked it enough on me to actually purchase it.

This is a very rare occurrence for me. The last dress I bought was in May for graduation. It's black, and I later wore it to my grandfather's funeral. Before that I can't even remember the last dress I bought, much less the last time I wore one.

While I was trying on the dress in the cubical at Kohl's I started thinking as to why I didn't own more skirts and dresses, especially to wear in the summer. I love wearing skirts in the summer, they are so light and cool! Add a pair of biking shorts underneath to prevent chub rub and I'm good to go! So why have I been purchasing capris this year instead of skirts?

The answer might lie in the second piece of clothing I purchased at Kohl's and no, I am not referring to the pair of sleep shorts I got on clearance. I bought shapewear. I noticed a few of my lumps being lumpy in the dress and instead of loving my body as it is (which is something I strive to do every day) I decided to modify it in a modern relative of the corset.

I am super disappointed in myself, and yet I don't think I am going to return it. Which signals to me that I have some issues with my body (well, MORE) that I need to work out.

I have gained a lot of weight in the last three years, mostly due to a combination of a) stress b) depression c) overeating due to stress and depression and d) lack of energy/exercise due to stress and depression. I see myself in the mirror every day, I know these things.

My mother has also recently gained weight. Her way to cope with it is occasionally (read: frequently) make remarks like "I need to lose weight," "I look horrible," "I'm so fat," etc. She looks to me to make some sort of comment but I refuse to enable her in any way so I usually just ignore it. She is not fat.

I decided a while ago that I could spend every day not liking my body, my lumps and curves, my weight, etc and be miserable and in a constant battle with it, OR I could focus my mental attention on LIKING and ACCEPTING myself, which includes my body, and enjoying my life, which includes cake. Yes I am aware that I could benefit from exercise--who wouldn't?--but I refuse to dislike my body because that omnipresent society says I should. However, the fact that not only did I decide I needed shapewear but the fact I bought it tells me that I have some ways to go before I get that whole "love my body because there is nothing wrong with it (no wrong way to look like a girl)" down.

I don't think that came out any clearer than my "girly" bit. Sigh. Well all writing is just waiting to be revised. Maybe one day I'll get my Ala Manifesto down right.

Basically, as I've been thinking a lot about lifestyle goals this past week I think I found a new one:

• I want to be confident enough to wear dresses and skirts without resorting to shapewear.

Now I just have to figure out what I need to do to achieve that goal...